Message From The Editor – Skeet McNeil

Townie Editor Skeet McNeil - artist rendition

Welcome to The Townie Online, the voice of Sir Douglas Townsend Secondary School in Holdenville Ontario. The Townie has been the local news source for Townsend students and Holdenville residents for as long as anyone can remember. Back in the late 1990’s when the Internet was invented, the Townsend A/V club became the The Townsend Internet club. Slide projectors and microfiche machines were totally neglected, but the people loved seeing the paper online and gave every student who worked on the paper $450,000 towards their own startup companies, three of which involved online foosball – a promising career at that time. Then the Internet bubble collapsed and the Townsend Internet club with it. The teachers went back to their slide projectors.

Well, these days, I don’t go offline for a single second of my day. I even text my friends in the shower. So why not put the Townie back online? Good point. I think I will. Welcome back to the Townie. I hope you enjoy learning about our school.

Skeet McNeil
Editor in Chief,
The Townie, Online

 

Births, Suicides, Lost Virginities – Nov. 2008

Birth

It’s a boy! Sarah Jean Wilson (Grade 11) is pleased to announce the birth of a bouncing baby boy, Kyle David, last Wednesday at Mount Scopus hospital. Sarah is thrilled that Kyle shows no signs of the dangerous crack cocaine addiction she developed during the pregnancy. Little Kyle has adoring grandparents in Maggie and Ed Wilson, who were ecstatic to hear their daughter was harboring four pounds and seven ounces of sheer delight under her skirt and not an unsightly beer gut. Sara believes the father to be some guy she met at Whiskey Lagoon’s who “kinda looks like David from Bev Hills.” We wish you all the best Sarah, Kyle and bar guy!

Suicide

By NeoCitran overdose. Johnny Helton (Grade 10) ended his miserable existence Tuesday by drinking over 250 cups of lemony good NeoCitran. It was a fitting end for Helton who had both a fondness for “the drink” and a terminally stuffed nose. Helton became a reviled figure at Townsend last year after crashing his Ford Taurus into a bus stop near Emerson Road Public School. Four children were killed and Helton, who was drunk on a mixture of Triple Sec and lighter fluid at the time, was ordered into Townsend’s remedial program. In his suicide note Helton wrote: “You can’t control me no more. Pickle my pecker you fuckers.” Way to go Johnny! You showed them!

Lost virginity

Lisa Karpotski (Grade 9) is no longer chaste after giving herself over to Wally Rogers (Grade 12) earlier this week. The two first met at the Cinnamon Heart’s dance, although Wally had randomly groped Lisa’s breasts once during rugby team initiation. Wally, who Lisa describes as “totally muscle”, called her for a movie a week after the dance. They went to see “Scare Bears II” at the Pantheon Sixteen. After the movie, Wally disappeared with some buddies while Lisa was still in the washroom. She was mad at first but when Wally awoke her at 4am to apologize, “it was so sweet. I knew he was the one.” They snuck out to the woods behind her house to partake in the carnal deed. Since the magical moment, Wally has failed to return Lisa’s phone calls, something she attributed to him “being real busy with his dog who’s sick or something.”